


im totally booked on the gay romantic dinner front i am just bein wooed on an hourly basis by dudes on a checkered tablecloth every single day from here to forever

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22165894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat visit a dream bubble.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 21
Kudos: 202





	im totally booked on the gay romantic dinner front i am just bein wooed on an hourly basis by dudes on a checkered tablecloth every single day from here to forever

DAVE: hey karkat  
DAVE: hey wake up man  
KARKAT: MMMMWHAT?  
KARKAT: IS THE MOVIE OVER?  
DAVE: oh yeah way over  
DAVE: sorry dude  
DAVE: spoilers  
DAVE: jennifer lopez and matthew mcconaughey got together  
KARKAT: I FUCKING KNEW IT.  
DAVE: haha i bet  
DAVE: six hundred viewings later and you still got it  
DAVE: anyway sorry i woke you up  
DAVE: but you were makin some weird noises  
DAVE: like mayday not good noises  
DAVE: what was goin on  
KARKAT: UM...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I REMEMBER!  
KARKAT: I WAS TALKING TO MY FUCKING ANCESTOR!  
DAVE: haha oh no  
KARKAT: OH JEGUS.  
KARKAT: HOW LONG WAS I OUT?  
DAVE: mm maybe twenty minutes  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS IT?  
KARKAT: IT FELT LIKE AN ETERNITY.  
DAVE: huh maybe it rubs off on you  
DAVE: hangin out with someone whos actually gonna be around for all eternity  
KARKAT: OR JUST SOMEONE WHO’S THE BIGGEST TOOL YOU’VE EVER MET.  
KARKAT: AND WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU.  
DAVE: haha yeah honestly i think it might be even weirder talkin to him for me  
DAVE: trust me it is a TRIP watchin those words come outta your mouth  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT MY MOUTH!  
DAVE: haha yeah sure tell that to my poor subconscious  
KARKAT: BLEH.  
DAVE: anyway sorry i wasnt there to save you man  
DAVE: next time take me with you  
DAVE: ill fake a cardiac arrest  
DAVE: sorry bizarro karkat cant talk  
DAVE: gotta take my stupid fuckin matesprit to the dream hospital or whatever  
DAVE: the dudes been subsisting on coffee and gummy worms for the past two years  
DAVE: it was bound to happen someday  
KARKAT: THE DREAM HOSPITAL.  
DAVE: yeah why not  
DAVE: they prolly got one  
DAVE: theres so many fuckin troll ghosts dude  
DAVE: how could some of em not be doctors  
KARKAT: HMM.  
DAVE: i bet there was like a whole insanely stupid doctor timeline  
DAVE: where its all the same trolls  
DAVE: just with stethoscopes around their necks  
DAVE: and those shiny circle dealies on their heads  
DAVE: and now theyre dead they staff a well oiled dream hospital  
DAVE: thats where you gotta take me karkat  
DAVE: get the gummies outta my veins  
KARKAT: ARE WE TALKING ABOUT MY SET OF TROLLS OR THE BEFORUS SET OF TROLLS?  
DAVE: i donno man take your pick  
DAVE: maybe theres both  
DAVE: and they got competing hospitals across the street from each other  
KARKAT: OK, THAT I’D LIKE TO SEE.  
KARKAT: FINE.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE WELCOME TO PUT THIS PLAN INTO ACTION THE NEXT TIME WE’RE IN A DREAM BUBBLE TOGETHER.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO ACTUALLY FALL ASLEEP.  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU SOMEHOW STAYED AWAKE AND RIVETED DURING OUR NTH VIEWING OF THE WEDDING PLANNER.  
DAVE: yeah i donno man  
DAVE: i think ive just come full circle  
DAVE: like ive seen it so many times its become fascinating for all the wrong reasons  
DAVE: this time i just spent the whole movie lookin at nothing but mcconaugheys left ear  
KARKAT: HOW’D THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?  
DAVE: surprisingly well i think i grew a lot as a person  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW-  


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KARKAT: FUCK!  
DAVE: whoa  
KARKAT: ...OH GOD DAMMIT.  
DAVE: hey check it out  
DAVE: man its been a while since a good ol fashioned awake dream bubble  
DAVE: not that its like any different at all in practice  
DAVE: at least we both get to be here tho  
DAVE: where the fuck are we anyway?  
DAVE: karkat?  
KARKAT: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: WE’RE IN MY HIVE.  
DAVE: oh snap really?  
DAVE: this is actually it?  
KARKAT: YEP.  
KARKAT: THIS IS UH...  
KARKAT: THIS IS IT ALRIGHT.  
DAVE: oh damn  
DAVE: where the magic happens  
DAVE: im not gonna lie karkat  
DAVE: this is pretty cool  
DAVE: its like i get to snoop on little you  
DAVE: its honestly just like i imagined i swear to god  
DAVE: aw we got the cute ass romcom posters  
DAVE: we got a closet full of twenty copies of all the same fucking shirt  
DAVE: of course  
DAVE: oh hey we got the romance novels!  
DAVE: and the dvds!  
DAVE: oh my god dude and i thought you had a ton on the meteor  
DAVE: this is insane  
DAVE: holy shit do you think we could take some with us  
DAVE: honest to god i will watch the longest most inane troll romcom in paradox space if it just means a little fuckin variety  
DAVE: oh dang  
DAVE: the giant cocoon o slime  
DAVE: hey maybe we should take a dip  
DAVE: id kinda like to see what all the fuss is about  
DAVE: or would i just drown  
DAVE: hm  
DAVE: if youre not asleep in a dream bubble and you drown what happens  
DAVE: youre not just gonna wake up right  
DAVE: eh whatever  
DAVE: karkat this is so cool!  
DAVE: im lovin this  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: whats goin on man  
DAVE: why are you so quiet  
DAVE: talk to me  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S NOTHING.  
DAVE: no seriously man whats up  
DAVE: you got the weirdest fucking look on your face right now  
DAVE: are you like  
DAVE: not happy to be back  
DAVE: oh no does this place actually suck for you  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: it does doesnt it  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: IT...  
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T SUCK.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, IT DOES, KIND OF.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW... IT COULD BE WAY WORSE.  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT SO BAD.  
DAVE: well then whats up  
DAVE: tell me  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: OK I GUESS IT’S JUST...  
KARKAT: REALLY FUCKING WEIRD...  
KARKAT: NOT SO MUCH BEING HERE.  
KARKAT: AS UM...  
KARKAT: BEING HERE WITH YOU.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: why  
DAVE: was it cuz i was snoopin around your stuff  
DAVE: im sorry man  
DAVE: i shouldnt have-  
KARKAT: NO! IT’S NOT THAT!  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST.  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: IT’S SO STRANGE JUST... *SEEING* YOU IN THIS ROOM.  
KARKAT: LIKE...  
KARKAT: I’M VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE WAY I FELT WHEN I WAS IN THIS ROOM.  
KARKAT: AND I’M ALSO VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I’M WITH YOU.  
KARKAT: AND TOGETHER, THOSE TWO FEELINGS...  
KARKAT: THEY JUST DON’T COMPUTE, OK?  
KARKAT: THEY DO NOT MATCH UP.  
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE THE FEELINGS OF TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BOTH VYING FOR ATTENTION IN MY HEAD.  
KARKAT: AND IT’S FUCKING WEIRD, DAVE, OK?  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: i think i get that  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: how is it different?  
KARKAT: WELL I MEAN...  
KARKAT: LOOK, I WASN’T NECESSARILY *UNHAPPY* WHEN I WAS IN THIS ROOM.  
KARKAT: I MEAN SIX SWEEPS IS A LONG FUCKING TIME BE *ALWAYS* UNHAPPY.  
KARKAT: I DO REMEMBER FEELING A CERTAIN KIND OF COMFORT WHEN I WAS IN HERE.  
KARKAT: ... BUT IT MOSTLY CAME FROM THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I WASN’T OUTSIDE.  
DAVE: aw karkat...  
KARKAT: HEH.  
KARKAT: YEAH I DONNO.  
KARKAT: I GUESS I’M USED TO JUST FEELING VARYING DEGREES OF LOW-LEVEL ON EDGE HERE.  
KARKAT: LIKE MY ACTIVITIES WOULD MOSTLY BE TO GO ONLINE AND RAIL AT MY FRIENDS AND LISTEN TO THEIR FUCKING PROBLEMS.  
KARKAT: TRY AND FAIL TO DO SOME CODING.  
DAVE: heh  
KARKAT: MAYBE WATCH A MOVIE.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS PRETTY NICE.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU KNOW.  
KARKAT: IT WOULD ALWAYS END EVENTUALLY.  
KARKAT: AND THEN I’D HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT TO DO NEXT.  
KARKAT: WHEN I’D HAVE TO GO OUT AGAIN...  
KARKAT: LOOK, I WASN’T DOWN ALL THE FUCKING TIME OR ANYTHING, BUT THIS ROOM WAS NEVER EXACTLY PARTY CENTRAL OK?  
DAVE: oh my god karkat  
DAVE: are you telling me  
DAVE: right now  
DAVE: that being with me is like being in party central  
KARKAT: OH GOD DAMMIT NO-  
DAVE: dude please stop  
DAVE: dont take this from me  
DAVE: i swear to god my heart just grew three sizes  
DAVE: like i can actually feel my ribs crackin  
DAVE: we might have to go to that dream hospital after all karkat  
DAVE: i dont think my slender frame can handle it  
KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU.  
KARKAT: YOU ARE *NOT* PARTY CENTRAL DAVE, I’M SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU.  
DAVE: nooo  
KARKAT: BUT YOU ARE...  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: LOOK I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT.  
KARKAT: I DON’T FEEL ANXIOUS WHEN I’M WITH YOU, OK?  
KARKAT: AT LEAST NOT AS MUCH.  
KARKAT: I FEEL UM  
KARKAT: OH GOD HELP ME, I FEEL SAFE.  
DAVE: :D  
KARKAT: UGH, STOP GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT, YOU’RE MAKING THIS EXCRUCIATING.  
DAVE: :)  
KARKAT: BETTER. NOT GREAT, BUT BETTER.  
DAVE: >:(  
KARKAT: BAHAHA!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
KARKAT: I’M TRYING TO HAVE A FUCKING MOMENT HERE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: SO WILL YOU JUST CUT THE BULLSHIT FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS SO I CAN TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR BULLSHIT?  
DAVE: yeah sure sorry karkat  
DAVE: please continue  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
KARKAT: BLUH.  
KARKAT: YEAH, I FEEL SAFE WITH YOU. AND NOT IN THE THIN, TENUOUS WAY I USED TO FEEL IN THIS ROOM.  
KARKAT: WHERE I COULD MAYBE DISTRACT MYSELF OR WORK MYSELF UP ENOUGH TO FORGET ABOUT MY PROBLEMS FOR A WHILE.  
KARKAT: IT’S DIFFERENT WITH YOU.  
KARKAT: I WASN’T *UNHAPPY* HERE.  
KARKAT: BUT UM.  
KARKAT: BUT WITH YOU I'M *UN*-UNHAPPY  
DAVE: pretty sure the words just happy dude  
KARKAT: I FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE WORD IS, DAVE! I’M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE!  
KARKAT: BEING WITH YOU IS LIKE... A MUCH BRIGHTER, MORE SATURATED VERSION OF EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I WAS TRYING TO ACHIEVE HERE.  
KARKAT: LIKE MY BEST DAY HERE STILL WASN’T AS NICE AS MY WORST DAY WITH YOU.  
KARKAT: AND WE’VE HAD SOME BAD DAYS.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: SO YEAH.  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY.  
KARKAT: MY BRAIN IS JUST, LIKE, FIRING AT TWO DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT LEVELS AT THE SAME TIME HERE.  
KARKAT: IT’S REALLY BIZARRE.  
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE A STROBE LIGHT IN MY MIND OR SOMETHING.  
DAVE: i donno that sounds like party central to me  
KARKAT: HAHA FUCK YOU!  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: cmere  
DAVE: all that stuff you said...  
DAVE: i know this may sound incredibly cheap  
DAVE: like the biggest cop out ever  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: same  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: yeah uh  
DAVE: youre obviously the best fuckin thing that ever happened to me dude  
DAVE: but just like with you uh  
DAVE: i dont think the competition was exactly stiff  
DAVE: like maybe well end up in my old apartment one a these days  
DAVE: then you can see a good ol fashioned freak out  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
(KARKAT): OH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?????  
DAVE: holy shit  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK??  
(KARKAT): WHAT ARE YOU ASSHOLES DOING HERE??  
(KARKAT): HAVEN’T I BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH???  
(KARKAT): I SWEAR TO GOD EVERY JOYLESS NON-DAY ON THIS WOEFUL MARCH THROUGH ETERNITY THERE’S SOME NEW SHITSTAIN WHO DECIDES TO JUST MOSEY THROUGH WHAT ARE *SUPPOSED* TO BE MY UNEQUIVOCALLY PERSONAL LIVING QUARTERS LIKE IT’S THEIR OWN PRIVATE SAUNTER PAD!  
(KARKAT): BUT THIS IS BEYOND DISRESPECTFUL!!!  
(KARKAT): MY FUCKING *SELF!*  
(KARKAT): AND MOTHERFUCKING *STRIDER!*  
(KARKAT): OH WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY...  
(KARKAT): ARE YOU TWO FUCKING ***CANOODLING??***  
(KARKAT): IS THIS HELL?  
(KARKAT): HAS THE AFTERLIFE FINALLY GOTTEN ITS SHIT SORTED AND PASSED JUDGMENT ON ME?  
(KARKAT): BECAUSE HONESTLY IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!  
(KARKAT): IF I WEREN’T ALREADY DEAD I KNOW FOR A FACT I WOULD HAVE DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS ALREADY FROM SHEER BOREDOM!  
(KARKAT): BUT I WOULD TAKE A MILLION ETERNITIES OF NOTHINGNESS!  
(KARKAT): JUST A NEVERENDING SENSELESS DRIFTING JOURNEY AS A MOTE OF DUST THROUGH THE FUCKING VOID!  
(KARKAT): IN WHICH THE TIME IT TAKES TO TRAVEL EACH INCREMENTAL PARTICLE’S BREADTH OF DISTANCE SPANS THE EONS FROM THE CONCEPTION TO THE FUCKING HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE!  
(KARKAT): OVER *THIS* SHAMELESS DISPLAY BEFORE MY VACANT WHITE GANDER BULBS!!!  
DAVE: oh my god dude i forgot how fucking shouty you used to be  
DAVE: this is hella surreal  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: two karkats  
DAVE: dude i really feel like i should make a joke about how i had a dream like this once  
DAVE: i mean i know thats kinda stupid given the circumstances  
DAVE: but you know  
DAVE: its just beggin to be said  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: GOD THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.  
DAVE: holy shit hes still goin  
(KARKAT): -CANNOT BEFUCKINGLIEVE THIS IS WHAT I’M BEING FORCED TO FACE JUST MOMENTS AFTER FINALLY FLINGING MY DEHYDRATED CARCASS OVER THE FINISH LINE OF A GODDAMN MARATHON SESSION OF DEALING WITH MY *OWN* FUCKING STRIDER!  
DAVE: wait what  
(KARKAT): OH YEAH DAVE, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!  
(KARKAT): YOUR FUCKING GHOST’S MEMORY IS CRAMMED RIGHT UP AGAINST MINE LIKE THE MOTHER GRUB’S SPHINCTER ON AN UNSUSPECTING JADE BLOOD.  
DAVE: ew  
(KARKAT): YEAH, AND YOU’LL PROBABLY BE PLEASED AS FUCKING PUNCH TO HEAR THAT THAT MOTHERFUCKER SEEMS TO TAKE *EXPRESS* PLEASURE IN ANNOYING THE EVERLOVING BEJEGUS OUT OF ME.  
DAVE: wait back up  
DAVE: so youre like  
DAVE: neighbors?  
(KARKAT): YEP. THAT ASSWIPE WON’T MOVE HIS MEMORIES DOWN THE PIKE, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I FUCKING TELL HIM TO.  
(KARKAT): AND I’M NOT ABOUT TO GO FIRST! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS!  
DAVE: holy shit its like a sitcom  
DAVE: the gayest angriest sitcom ever  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THIS IS RIDICULOUS.  
(KARKAT): YOU WANNA MEET HIM?  
(KARKAT): I MEAN YOU?  
(KARKAT): OR OTHER YOU OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.  
(KARKAT): FUCKING PARENTHETICAL YOU.  
(KARKAT): I MEAN I JUST DECLARED THAT I WAS NEVER GONNA LOOK AT HIS STUPID SUNGLASSESY FACE EVER AGAIN.  
(KARKAT): BUT SINCE THE SECOND I WALKED INTO THE SUPPOSED SAFE SPACE OF MY OWN GODDAMN RESPITE BLOCK I WAS CONFRONTED WITH THAT VERY FUCKING VISAGE, I GUESS I ALREADY BROKE MY VOW, SO IT’S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.  
KARKAT: YES, PLEASE GET HIM IN HERE!  
KARKAT: I WANT YOU TO HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR EMBARRASSING DEAD SELF, TOO, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THIS IS HORRENDOUSLY ONE SIDED AND MAKING ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE!  
(KARKAT): EMBARRASSING?  
(KARKAT): UM, FUCK YOU??  
KARKAT: FUCK *YOU!*  
(KARKAT): I MEAN WHEN YOU SAY FUCK YOU YOU’RE ESSENTIALLY JUST SAYING IT TO YOURSELF, SO YOU KNOW WHAT, YEAH, FUCK ME.  
(KARKAT): FUCK ME SO HARD!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I AM ABSOLUTELY INSUFFERABLE.  
DAVE: shh no youre not  
DAVE: youre right this guys really embarrassing  
(KARKAT): HEY STRIDER?  
(KARKAT): *FUCK YOU TOO!*  
(KARKAT): EXCUSE ME, I’M GONNA GO GET YOU NOW, SO WE CAN ALL GIVE A BIG HEARTY FUCK YOU TO THAT GUY.  
(KARKAT): IT’LL BE FUN.  
(KARKAT): STAY RIGHT THERE.  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.  
KARKAT: I’M SO SORRY YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS, DAVE.  
KARKAT: THIS GUY IS A TOTAL DOUCHE.  
DAVE: haha chill out man  
DAVE: hes not that bad  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: ok hes pretty fuckin bad  
DAVE: but you know what  
DAVE: hes you bro  
KARKAT: UGGH.  
DAVE: i mean ok hes dead so hes prolly got a chip on his shoulder about that  
DAVE: and hes way younger than us  
DAVE: like he clearly died pretty early on  
DAVE: so hes just less mature you know  
DAVE: besides hes been livin in this place you just got done tellin me always put you on edge  
DAVE: but hes definitely 100 percent grade a karkat  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK, WAS I LIKE THIS WHEN YOU MET ME?  
DAVE: honestly dude?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: you pretty much were  
KARKAT: OH GOD.  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: but hey i liked you anyway  
DAVE: so maybe theres hope for this douchebag  
KARKAT: EHH...  
(KARKAT): HERE WE ARE!  
(KARKAT): VOI FUCKING LA!  
DAVE: oh hey whats up  
(DAVE): sup  
DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: what happened man  
DAVE: howd you go  
(DAVE): oh you know just the ultimate heros death  
(DAVE): took a stray crocodile to the face  
(DAVE): slipped and fell ass backwards into some magma  
(DAVE): straight up smeagoled it  
DAVE: ohh thank fuck  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: that really sucks man  
DAVE: sorry to hear that  
(DAVE): naw its chill i totally get it  
(DAVE): you were worried i was from a dead timeline you were responsible for huh  
DAVE: honestly yeah  
(DAVE): shit no hard feelings whatsoever bro  
(DAVE): as a less lyrically gifted man might say  
(DAVE): “i know that feel”  
(DAVE): fuck time travel  
DAVE: yeah seriously fuck it  
(DAVE): dude ive met my fair share of dead daves and believe me i know  
(DAVE): the amount of ass it sucks is unbelievable  
DAVE: bro tell me about it  
DAVE: it is no lawnmeal  
(DAVE): lawnmeal?  
DAVE: oh yeah thats troll for picnic  
DAVE: just hang around bein dead a little longer  
DAVE: maybe ghost karkatll take you on one  
(KARKAT): NO I FUCKING WON’T!  
(DAVE): uh  
(DAVE): yeah dude im good  
(DAVE): in fact i just checked my schedule and im like totally booked on the gay romantic dinner front  
(DAVE): like i am just bein wooed on an hourly basis by dudes on a checkered tablecloth every single day from here to forever  
(DAVE): which is a totally real amount of time for me now  
(DAVE): so sorry karkat id love to squeeze you in for some gay ass chow time  
(DAVE): but theres just no fuckin room  
(KARKAT): HOLY FUCKING SHIT, STRIDER, DO YOU HAVE *ANY* **IDEA** WHAT YOU JUST SAID??  
KARKAT: (HAHA, OH MY GOD, *THIS* FUCKING BULLSHIT.)  
DAVE: (oh shut up)  
(DAVE): so uh  
(DAVE): you guys are way older huh  
DAVE: yeah man just turned fifteen  
(DAVE): sick  
(DAVE): and still among the living  
(DAVE): nice one  
DAVE: i guess  
(DAVE): so that means youre the alpha timeline  
DAVE: thats what they tell me bro  
DAVE: and by they i mean literally no one  
DAVE: i donno who the fucks in charge here  
DAVE: all i know is when i chill out in the afterlife i can find the front door at the end of the night  
(DAVE): word  
(DAVE): so uh  
(DAVE): dude i gotta ask  
DAVE: what is it bro lay it on me  
(DAVE): uh  
(DAVE): ...  
(KARKAT): I THINK HE WANTS TO KNOW WHY I WALKED IN ON THE TWO OF YOU IN A TENDER FUCKING EMBRACE RIVALED ONLY BY THE MOST SORDID COVERS OF MY ROMANCE NOVELS THAT HE FLAT OUT *REFUSES* TO EVEN GIVE A CHANCE!  
DAVE: uh  
(DAVE): uh  
KARKAT: UH.  
(DAVE): cough  
(DAVE): yeah so are you guys like  
(DAVE): friends or...  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: ohhhh boy  
(KARKAT): HOLY SHIT I AM SO GLAD I BROUGHT YOU OVER, DAVE.  
(KARKAT): IT’S LIKE AN UP CLOSE SCUTTLEBUGGY CRASH IN SLOW MOTION.  
DAVE: see the thing is...  
KARKAT: ALPHA DAVE AND I ARE IN LOVE!!  
(DAVE): whoa  
(KARKAT): WHAT???  
DAVE: dude  
KARKAT: YEP!  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU, DEAD PAST KARKAT, IT’S TRUE. WE’RE MATESPRITS.  
KARKAT: WE HAVE BEEN FOR HALF A SWEEP. AND HE’S THE BEST FUCKING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.  
(KARKAT): |8B  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, ASSHOLE!  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW ONLY ONE OF US HAS BEEN SCREAMING OURSELVES HOARSE SINCE WE MET?  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S ALL TO DO WITH HIM.  
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’S JUST GROWING UP, TOO.  
KARKAT: AND I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT, IF YOU’RE JUST ALWAYS GONNA BE AN AWKWARD KID FOREVER.  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW OR IF GHOSTS AGE.  
KARKAT: BUT WHATEVER, I WAS BASICALLY YOUR AGE WHEN I MET MY DAVE, AND I CAN TELL YOU THAT HE CHILLED ME RIGHT THE FUCK OUT.  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY THAT.  
(KARKAT): UHH...  
KARKAT: DEAD PAST DAVE!  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE A LOT OF STUPID FUCKING HANGUPS.  
DAVE: dude  
KARKAT: AND THEY FEEL REALLY LEGITIMATE TO YOU.  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A TOUGH TIME.  
KARKAT: BUT UH...  
KARKAT: TRY NOT TO?  
KARKAT: ANYTHING YOU WANNA ADD, DAVE?  
DAVE: karkat what the fuck  
KARKAT: WHAT’S WRONG? I’M HELPING THESE IDIOTS OUT!  
DAVE: yeah i can see that  
DAVE: just like  
DAVE: damn dude pump the brakes  
DAVE: this is probably a lot  
DAVE: is this a lot?  
DAVE: see  
DAVE: they both think its a fucking lot  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: yeah uh  
DAVE: its true  
DAVE: were together and really pretty happy  
DAVE: turns out we have a lot in common  
DAVE: and ghost dave i dont think i gotta say it “turns out” you have hella repressed issues  
DAVE: sexualitywise  
DAVE: cuz i think we both know you already know that  
(DAVE): :|  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: yeah wait maybe im fuckin this up too  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: the bottom line is were workin out great  
DAVE: i donno if thats like an innate thing or a circumstantial thing or what  
DAVE: ghost karkat i know you got these bonkers troll soulmate beliefs goin on  
DAVE: so dude you can take that for what you will  
DAVE: all im sayin is as i understand it you guys could go pretty much anywhere in paradox space  
DAVE: and youre both livin right fucking next to each other  
DAVE: and apparently visiting each other constantly  
DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: feel free to not read into that at all  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: shit how big is this fuckin dream bubble  
DAVE: this would be an awesome time for it to end and us all to get some much needed respective privacy  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK IT’S ENDING, DAVE.  
DAVE: god dammit  
KARKAT: UH...   
KARKAT: DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY UH...  
KARKAT: QUESTIONS?  
(KARKAT): YEAH, ACTUALLY, I HAVE ROUGHLY TEN MILLION!  
(KARKAT): DO YOU WANT ME TO START GOING THROUGH THEM NUMERICALLY OR ALPHAFUCKINGBETICALLY?  
KARKAT: OH GOD DAMMIT.  


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DAVE: whoa  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT!  
KARKAT: ...OH THANK FUCK!  
DAVE: jeeesus i have never been so happy to see this stupid ass couch  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO WEIRD.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS PROBABLY THE WEIRDEST FUCKING EXPERIENCE I’VE EVER HAD IN A DREAM BUBBLE.  
KARKAT: AND I WAS ONCE ON THE RECEIVING END OF A FUCKING GANG LECTURE BY TEN DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF MY ANCESTOR.  
DAVE: whoa!  
KARKAT: NO, DAVE, WHATEVER AMOUNT OF SEXY YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT, I PROMISE YOU IT WAS *NOT* THAT.  
KARKAT: IT WAS JUST RED SWEATERS AND DRONING AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE.  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: what a day for those guys huh  
DAVE: ghost you and me i mean, not fuckin kankri one through ten  
DAVE: what do you think theyre doin right now   
KARKAT: IF I HAD TO GUESS, I’D SAY THEY’VE BOTH BOLTED FROM EACH OTHER’S SIGHT TO THE FARTHEST CORNERS OF THEIR RESPECTIVE HIVES, WHERE THEY’LL HIDE OUT FOR THE NEXT CONSIDERABLE CHUNK OF ETERNITY.  
DAVE: yeah that sounds about right  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: did we fuck them up do you think  
KARKAT: GOD I HOPE NOT.  
KARKAT: BUT I MEAN...  
KARKAT: THEY’RE US.  
KARKAT: BASICALLY.  
KARKAT: THEY HAD SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT LIVES AT THE END, I ASSUME, BUT FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES WE KNOW HOW THEY THINK.  
KARKAT: IF YOU AND I RIGHT NOW WENT BACK IN TIME TO YOU AND ME WHEN WE FIRST MET IN PERSON, AND SAID ALL THE SHIT WE JUST SAID...  
KARKAT: HOW DO YOU THINK WE’D TAKE IT?  
DAVE: ok first of all we absolutely cant do that  
DAVE: that never happened to us if we did that itd fuck up the timeline irreparably  
KARKAT: YES, OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THAT.  
KARKAT: I’M JUST SAYING HYPOTHETICALLY.  
KARKAT: DO YOU THINK WE...  
KARKAT: STILL WOULD’VE GOTTEN TOGETHER?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i kinda think we woulda  
DAVE: i mean lets be honest  
DAVE: a lotta the more serious foot draggin was definitely on my part  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: i donno  
DAVE: seeing an older happier version of me say in no uncertain terms i kissed a dude and i liked it  
DAVE: ...it woulda freaked me way out in the short term  
DAVE: but all in all i think it might actually have kicked some things in gear sooner rather than later  
DAVE: especially if i knew there was like  
DAVE: a light at the end of the introspection tunnel  
DAVE: you know  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: SO YOU THINK WE DID THE RIGHT THING?  
DAVE: man i donno  
DAVE: i hope so  
DAVE: shit, they got eternity, right?  
DAVE: theyll figure somethin out  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: yeah  



End file.
